


life's not painless, but he's not brainless (josh chan will be all right)

by anthropologicalhands



Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV)
Genre: Conversations with Exes, Friendship, Gen, Heartbreak, Introspection, Josh Chan is Valid, Josh thinks about what he wants from life, Male-Female Friendship, New York City, Soul-Searching, because the show did not let us spend enough time with him on that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-01 19:02:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19183804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anthropologicalhands/pseuds/anthropologicalhands
Summary: Seeking direction after Rebecca turns him down, Josh returns to New York.





	life's not painless, but he's not brainless (josh chan will be all right)

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of complicated feelings about Josh's ending in the show. At minimum, I wish we had gotten to see a glimpse of him during the time skip to see how he went from being heartbroken to recovering and making the choices that eventually lead him to starting a healthy relationship with Rosa. This fic is my attempt at reconciling some of my wishes with the ending we were given.

 

~

After Rebecca rejects him, Josh goes to therapy.

(But not like, immediately after she rejects him, because his therapy day is Friday — no, immediately after she rejects him, Josh sits dully in their kitchen for two hours before leaving to babysit his new niece while Jayma and her husband have their Valentine’s Day; they are so grateful for the time alone that they let him sleep in the spare room without question.)

At therapy, Josh starts talking before he has even properly taken his seat, the whole sad tale spilling out of him, while Dr Akopian takes notes and listens with a sympathetic ear, only occasionally asking questions as Josh describes the terms, the night itself, the pain of waiting, and finally, Rebecca’s kind but clear _you will find someone else_.

“Sounds like it has a been a difficult week,” says Dr. Akopian, after Josh has finished.

“Yeah. I really thought Rebecca would choose me,” says Josh, not meeting Dr. Akopian’s eyes but staring down at his hands. “I mean, third time’s the charm, right? That’s how the stories are, and with everything that’s happened between us, it felt like the universe was telling _our_ story. And now that it’s over, I don’t know what happens next for me.”

Dr. Akopian nods slowly, tapping his pen against his notebook.

“It’s difficult when reality doesn’t meet our expectations,” Dr. Akopian says kindly, like nothing Josh as said is strange to him – not even the whole Bachelor setup. “And it will take time to recover. But you don’t have to plan your path forward immediately: just take it one step at a time.”

“Right,” says Josh doubtfully, wondering how to describe that the only direction he feels like he can move in right now is down and down, like into the middle of the couch cushions or a pile of blankets.

“If you’re having trouble thinking of something, we can brainstorm. Now, is there anything that you can do right now that might help ease your immediate situation?”

Josh doesn’t answer right away, but the truth sits like a brick within him. Because there _is_ something he needs to do now, that is the right thing to do, that he realized that he would _have_ to do after Rebecca turned him down.

“Actually, yes,” he admits, forcing himself to give the words up, hauling them out like water from a well. “There is something I need to do.”

~

“I’m gonna move out.”

Josh _knows_ that there are better ways of breaking news than blurting it out over breakfast. But when Rebecca bounces into their shared kitchen the following morning with a too-cheery “Hey, roomie, what’s shaking?” like nothing has changed between them, the announcement pops out of him like a snake from a can.

She stares at him for slightly too long and gives herself a brief shake, setting the butter knife she just picked up back down on her plate.

“What did you say?” she asks, her eyes popping a little, the way they do when she really wants to pin down the words.

Josh takes a deep breath.

“I think I need to move out,” he repeats, slowly this time, pushing past the tightness in his chest.

Rebecca blinks and sits back on her stool, stunned, teeth worrying at her bottom lip. “Oh, wow. Josh… this is really sudden.”

 _I know,_ Josh wants to say, but the words get stuck somewhere halfway up his windpipe at the look of hurt on her face.

“Is this because I turned you down? Josh, you know I wouldn’t kick you out, right?” she says, eyes wide and suspiciously shiny; the tightness becomes a rock that sinks right down to the pit of his stomach. “Come on, Josh – I know things are going to be awkward for a little bit, but I would _never_ do that to you.”

“Of course not,” Josh says immediately, because the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. “You’ve done a lot for me these last few months. I’ve loved living here.”

“Then stay,” she says, almost pleading, eyes wide and forlorn. For a second, Josh thinks it would be so easy to do what she wants instead, to make her smile and not have to feel guilty. To not have to make calculations about rent money and listings and new bathroom routines.

But that’s why he shouldn’t. He can’t just pretend that everything is all right. He doesn’t want to live with anyone under a pretense. Not again.

This is the right choice.

Throat tight, he can only shake his head.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he says quietly, his voice wavering and threatening to crack.

Rebecca chews at her lip, just staring at him, making him fidget under the strength of her consideration. But then she nods, shoulders sinking a little, and he knows that she accepts his decision.

“No, you’re right, I’m sorry. I…I get that’s probably for the best. Do you have a place yet?”

“Nothing official,” he says, mustering a weak smile. “I’ve been asking around. George offered to put me up, and Vic has a friend looking to split the place. But don’t worry, I’m going to ask around and see if I can find someone else for you, too, so I won’t just leave you here by yourself. I don’t want to do that.”

Rebecca offers him a tiny smile of her own, though her eyes are still sad. “Of course not. Don’t worry about finding a new roommate for me; I think I’ll manage. But thank you for the offer, Josh. I appreciate it.”

She turns her attention back to her toast, breaking their shared gaze. All things considered, the conversation went well, but Josh still feels a little ill, like his morning juice is disagreeing with him, even though he told the truth as best he could.

“Right,” he clears his throat. “Uh, I’m actually going to meet one of them right now, so I guess I’ll see you around.”

Rebecca nods without looking up, wiggling her knife-free hand in a half-hearted wave, which he returns, and then there’s nothing for him to do but pick up his keys and make his exit without seeming like he’s making an escape.

~

Even as he hits it off with Vic’s friend and starts the arrangements to move into a new place at the beginning of March, Josh tries to stick to his usual routines as closely as possible. They give him a structure that doesn’t require any additional maintenance to go through while he licks his wounds and figures out his life. Moving may take up his time now, but what will happen to him after he’s out of Rebecca’s place is still uncomfortably blurry.

But structure has its downsides; none of his activities really distracts him from his heavy heart and that weird hollow that accompanies heartbreak – not karate, not church, not work. About the only respite he gets is when he visits his parents or Jayma, to play with the baby or eat the food they push in front of him while he catches up on the family gossip. Apart from an offhand comment from his mom about gambling being a sin and his father’s grunted agreement, they don’t mention anything about the contest he staked his heart on.

Which is great, because no one else will leave him alone.

No matter where he goes, no matter on what innocuous errand, people keep coming up to him with questions about Rebecca.

The same questions.

Over and over and _over_ again.

Is he doing okay? How he feels about what happened? Does he actually have the biggest…you know.

Josh appreciates the concern, really, he does—excluding that last one, it’s not like they ever _checked_ —and he would love to have an answer, seriously. But every time he starts to think beyond Rebecca, beyond heartbreak, he gets interrupted – bad thoughts popping up without warning about whether Rebecca really loved him, or if he really loved her, or if he was just stupid for starting the whole date situation in the first place.

Dr Akopian says not to fight the bad thoughts, because then they’ll get stuck on loop; better to have them and let them pass through. Which makes total sense, but it feels like he’s just constantly letting the bad thoughts through without making any progress in moving past Rebecca’s rejection. And all of those well-meaning questions are just pulling the floodgates open wider, until there is no escape from the barrage.

~

“It’s like everything I do has to be about Rebecca now,” Josh complains to Father Brah as they sit together in the church office. “Like, I was picking up groceries yesterday, and the clerk told me that I shouldn’t eat my feelings. And that if I was going to eat my feelings, I should try the bagel bites.”

“Did you?”

“Nah, I’ve had them before – they’re never as good as my mom’s. But still, that was not cool.”

“Your mom’s are definitely the best,” agrees Father Brah, leaning back in his chair, his left ankle crossed over the opposite knee. “And it definitely was not cool. But, not to defend these nosy weasels for trying to get into your business, J-Town, but it is natural for people to be curious. You’ve been remarkably MIA on social media the last few weeks; like, you barely posted any pictures on Instagram before, during, or since.”

“I’m busy,” defends Josh. “It’s not like I’ve had time.”

Father Brah raises his eyebrows at Josh and straightens up in his seat, slipping smoothly from childhood friend to collared priest. “Josh, you have made time in the past for much less momentous occasions. It kind of _is_ a big deal.”

Josh supposes that is true, but when he set up the date, he wanted it to be for _Rebecca_ , not his followers. He wanted it to feel like something they have always had between them – the pure joy of being together and being amazed by the world around them. He wasn’t going to share _that_ with his followers, not next to his sponsorship photos and glitzy DJ promo shots.

Josh reaches out and picks up the mini basketball from the coffee table, squeezing it between his hands, like he could push his frustrations inside the little sphere and chuck it away.

“I just wish that everyone would let me get over Rebecca by myself. They just make it so confusing.”

“Confusing to understand how you feel about her?”

Josh shakes his head. “No, I know how I feel about her.”

Father Brah cocks his head to the side. “Really?”

Josh frowns at Father Brah’s surprise. “I mean, I’m sad. It hurts that she turned me down, even though our relationship is different now.”

Father Brah steeples his fingers together thoughtfully, still watching Josh. “You mean different from the last time you were together?”

Rebecca has always been different for Josh. He has never known anyone else like her. Not at camp, not in New York—anywhere. But that’s not what Father Brah is asking.

“Yeah. It was real this time.”

“Would you, uh, mind expanding on that?”

“We started over with a clean slate,” says Josh, thinking of how she sat next to him in Dr Akopian’s waiting room, face serious, and apologized for what she had done. How she spoke slowly and clearly and deliberately, not like she was trying to pull a trick, and how she had been speaking like that with him ever since. “This time, we were really being honest with each other. Rebecca really wanted to do better – being honest, that is. About everything. And since I’ve started therapy, I’ve been trying to do the same thing, right? I’ve learned a lot about how I’ve hurt people without realizing it. That’s been hard; I’m still working on it. And, sure, Rebecca is really messy and she doesn’t care about sports or video games…but you know what I found out after we became friends again?”

Father Brah shrugs to demonstrate his ignorance.

“That a lot of the good stuff we had when she first came here? That was still there.”

That had been one of their problems before – that they didn’t really know each other. This time, he had gotten to know the true Rebecca, the one that attends therapy diligently and makes poop jokes and doesn’t care about God. His old affection for her still exists, combined with a new appreciation for her honesty and her support.

It isn’t like the attraction ever went completely away, either; Josh is used to feeling attraction – until recently, he was used to girls always being a little into him, confident that no matter what relationship he fell into, he already was guaranteed their interest. Falling for Rebecca this time had felt new because everything good that happened between them this time happened solely with the intention of developing a strong friendship, without ulterior motive.

“We do make good friends, and we can talk about anything – nothing is off-limits. Even the hard stuff that we used to ignore. And when I realized that I liked her again, I got scared of losing her. So, I told her how I felt. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do.”

He hadn’t known the best way to demonstrate his feelings – only no more big romantic gestures, not after what happened last time. Going back to the theater seemed like a good compromise; maybe if they spent more time together, he could figure out if she might feel the same way. But then Nathaniel was also hanging around, and when he saw them together the reality that she had other options came crashing down. He hadn’t wanted to wait, not like last time – not like when she was with Greg and he was with Valencia at Jayma’s wedding.

But then he made himself known and it all fell apart.

Father Brah doesn’t say anything at first, sitting still with his palms pressed together, and when he looks back up, Josh squirms, embarrassed, and averts his eyes.

“Josh, look at me.”

Reluctantly, Josh meets Father Brah’s sympathetic gaze.

“I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, having just been rejected and all, but dawg, you shouldn’t feel ashamed for letting yourself be vulnerable. It might not feel like it, but this was a huge step forward for you. You took a big risk by putting your feelings for Rebecca out there. Granted, no one really expected the solution Whijo actually came up with, that was a little out of left field, but you chose emotional honesty over pretending a situation was something that it wasn’t. So—yeah. I’m proud of you.”

It’s been a while since anyone has told Josh that they are proud of him. Even longer since it has felt earned, and the rush of gratitude momentarily eclipses the cloud that has been hanging over Josh’s head.

“Thanks, Brah,” he says, with a rueful smile. “I really appreciate you saying that.”

“Anytime,” says Father Brah, with a grin. “Now, if you’re not gonna try the hoop, would you mind passing the ball, dude?”

“Oh! Sure.” Josh passes the ball over to Father Brah. “I just want to move on in a healthy way this time. Once that happens, maybe we can move past the awkwardness and be friends again. It’s not like we haven’t moved past bigger stuff.”

“Some would say impossibly big stuff,” agrees Father Brah noncommittally, catching the ball with ease and aiming for the net again. It circles the rim but still falls out; Josh rescues it before it can hit the ground and returns to the couch.

“Right?” says Josh, heaving a deep sigh. “But there is all of this extra stuff that just bums me out -- I can’t even check my fitspiration accounts on Instagram for new ideas, because everyone still have their hashtag Team Josh pictures up, which is kind of nice but mostly sucks, or they keep DM’ing me and tell me to do this or try that – well, only I can decide what I should do, not them – they aren’t I!”

“That they are not,” agrees Father Brah delicately.

Josh sighs again and lets his head fall into his hands, rubbing circles with his palms against his forehead. “What do you think I should do?”

“Honestly? You might just need to take a break.”

“You mean like a social media break?” Josh ponders the thought. “Might as well – I’m already doing that juice cleanse.”

Father Brah blinks and shakes his head. “Uh, no. Not like a juice cleanse. I was thinking of something more like a vacation. You know, getting out of West Covina for a few days.”

Josh frowns, his forehead scrunching up; he rubs it smooth. “Brah, I’m trying to avoid old patterns. Wouldn’t leaving town just mean that I was running away again? Like the wedding?”

Father Brah snaps his fingers and points right at Josh. “Ah, right, but see, last time that was the wrong move because the solution was to have a hard conversation with Rebecca about your doubts and you didn’t. This time, the hard conversations are over; you need some time alone to reflect and do your own thing without other people giving you unsolicited opinions. Which I am aware is ironic, given my chosen vocation.”

“Kind of,” agrees Josh. “You really think getting out of town is a good idea?”

“Yeah. Think of it this way: you know how you’re driving down the 405 to San Diego, and your favorite radio station is fritzing out because it doesn’t reach that far south? So, you’re fiddling with the stations to find a new one that suits you, but you keep having to stop because your lane is full of potholes you have to pay attention to? You need to look for a hole-free lane so that you can fiddle in peace.”

“I mean, I usually just listen to Spotify,” says Josh. “But I know what you mean.” 

He tries to make another basket, only for the ball to bounce out of the net and smack against the wall, dangerously close to the Madonna’s image.

“Oh, come on!”

Father Brah winces, sucking air through his teeth. “Yeah, it’s been like that since the dates. I don’t think He’s very happy with me for saying that betting on love was okay.”

Josh cocks his head to the side. “What?”

“It’s not important,” says Father Brah quickly. “What do you think about getting out of town?”

“It would nice to go somewhere where people don’t immediately know my drama,” admits Josh, slumping back in his chair. “I just need to find the right place.”

~

“I’m going to New York next week!”

Josh makes the announcement at the next guy group get-together with him, Hector, and Whijo, before Heather has even taken two steps from their booth. She turns and gives him a long, considering look from over Whijo and Hector’s heads, before giving a short shake of her curls and going back behind the counter.

Josh turns back to his friends; they still look a little stunned, like he got them both good with paintball. Josh isn’t entirely surprised – they haven’t had many guy group get-togethers in the last few months. Between Whijo’s new relationship with Vic and Hector’s move, it’s harder to find the time, so it is kind of weird to just drop this news on them with barely any context.

“Dude, awesome!” says Hector, quick to recover, and leans forward to give Josh a high five.

“Uh, you sure you don’t want to rethink that, Josh?” asks Whijo, leaning forward as if Josh can’t hear him perfectly well on his side of the booth. “It’s February. You’re gonna freeze. Didn’t you hear about the polar vortex?”

Josh rolls his eyes. “Come on, dude, I lived there, remember? I still have all of my winter gear at my parents’ house. Besides, the forecast for the vortex is for the week _after_ I’m there. I can stay ahead of it.”

“The weather is not racing you, dude. And I know you’re hung up on Rebecca right now, but she is _not_ worth frostbite.”

“It’s not about Rebecca,” defends Josh, before a flicker of self-awareness compels him to add, “well, okay, it is kinda about Rebecca, but it’s mostly about not being in West Covina. Which is exactly what you did when Darryl dumped you.”

“Damn, trutal,” says Hector.

Whijo glares at him, with no noticeable effect, before turning back to Josh.

“Okay, I’ll accept that there is a superficial parallel between our situations. Except I did it as part of Habitat for Humanity in a warm climate where I could grow a beard and I ended up finding Max. You, on the other hand, are terrible at growing facial hair and are not equipped to take care of a living thing.”

“Hey, I have been doing great with the new Estrella! And it’s not like I’m going to be there long – just a week, and the cold will totally clear my head. Plus, I’ll be on a social media cleanse, and maybe while I’m gone, everyone will finally chill out about the Bachelor-thing. Which _you_ set up,” he adds pointedly.

“He’s got you there, too,” says Hector.

“Guilty as charged,” admits Whijo, cringing. “Believe me, it will go down in history as my lowest moment—but for the record, I suffered, too; Greg owes me a rowing machine. But seriously, there are other places you could go.”

“True. Josh, if you want to get out of town so badly, I have a surfing tournament in Monterey in a couple of months,” offers Hector. “It’ll still be cold, but at least it won’t be arctic. We could totally go to the aquarium afterwards!”

“That would be cool,” agrees Josh wistfully, but then shakes his head. “But that’s in the future. I need to do something _now_.”

“Whatever you need, man,” says Hector. “But why New York again?”

“I mean, it makes some things easier,” says Josh vaguely. “I already know my way around, there are a few people I can get in touch with if I need to, and there’s definitely going to be new things to see that I missed last time.”

He doesn’t want to admit it, though he would if they asked, but there is another factor of New York that he finds appealing. It’s where his path crossed with Rebecca’s after years apart, when a familiar voice from the past called out to him on the street after the shine had worn off the possibilities of the Big Apple. He’s been thinking about that moment a lot, lately, how casual it was but how different his life would have been if they had remained unaware of each other.

Maybe there are other answers there where they hadn’t been before.

Whijo studies him for a long moment, until Josh nearly squirms in his seat, but then shrugs and takes a long draught from his glass. “Whatever works for you, dude. Are you staying with anybody?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Nice. Old friends from your New York days?”

Josh slinks down in his seat.

“Uh, kind of…”

~

“Welcome to New York!” says Beth as she throws open the door of her and Valencia’s apartment. “Oh my god, I love that jacket: you look like a red Michelin Man.”

“Good, it’s nice and warm in here,” says Josh, grinning, walking right into her still-open arms to receive her firm hug and penguin-walks them backwards into the apartment.

“Hey Josh,” says Valencia tonelessly, not looking up from where she is sitting up against the headboard of her bed, working from her laptop. Beth gives him an apologetic shrug.

Josh gives a sheepish wave. “Uh, hey, Valencia.”

He can safely say that he had not even thought of asking to stay with Valencia when he first thought of New York. But Rebecca had been Skyping with Beth and Valencia in the living room a few days before he was due to leave, and, trying to be helpful, suggested that they should meet up. Beth had inquired about his sleeping arrangements, and when he admitted that he hadn’t yet made any reservations, invited him to stay with them. After a beat, Valencia had confirmed the invitation with that firmness of hers that booked no argument.

He tells himself it shouldn’t be too bad; he’s lived with Valencia before and he knows her pet peeves, so as long as he is mindful there shouldn’t be any problems.

Maybe.

“Sweet digs,” he says, once he finally straightens up to get a good look around. True to Rebecca’s description, it is literally a matchbox, but it’s neat and probably arranged exactly to Valencia’s tastes, though he can see a couple touches that must be Beth’s, like the rock CDs stacked on one of the freestanding shelves and a couple mason jars of candied fruits on the nightstand.

“Thanks, it is exactly the square footage we need to not drive each other crazy,” says Beth, sitting down on the bed and playfully nudging Valencia with her shoulder.

“Don’t splash around the sink,” says Valencia, ignoring Beth and glaring at the screen like she can cow it into submission. “And don’t even think of leaving your portable gym all over the floor – we don’t exactly have a lot of room here.”

“No problem,” says Josh, a little self-consciously, setting his bag at the furthest corner of the room. “I’ve gotten a lot better at domestic stuff. You’ll barely know I’m here.”

Valencia _hms_ in a way that suggests she thinks otherwise. Beth shrugs and offers him a thumbs-up, that he returns meekly.

~

Unsurprisingly, February in New York is freezing cold. But it’s not nearly as bad as his first winter there, struggling not only with the cold but with homesickness and confusion at the endless unspoken rules of behavior, a whole manual that everyone else knew that he didn’t.

New York City, once upon a time, was a city of dreams for Josh, back when he was stuck at his father’s radiology lab, in his relationship with Valencia, with everything. With a little persuasion from his friends, even from Greg, who never encouraged anything, he thought he would try to make it; maybe get discovered in a dance studio, or something cool like that.

But the city just kept going, never taking a breath to enjoy itself, and didn’t seem to care if he could keep up. Eight months in, the lure of West Covina grew stronger, as a harbor of safety, where people cared about him, where Valencia and a solid future were still waiting. And that future would have played out, had he not crossed paths with Rebecca a few days before he was due to return.

However, for all of its flaws, New York is still the only other city he has ever called home, and it surprises him to realize that he still feels at ease here.

The first day he’s back in the city, the temperature hovers safely above freezing, and so Josh spends it on a walking tour, ducking in different doorways for coffee or hot chocolate or sesame buns when the bite of the wind becomes too much.

In the evening, he goes to a dance studio that is still around, a few blocks from where the Broadway shows are, and the instructor surprises him by remembering exactly who he is.

“Hard to forget those hips,” she says, appraising him with a technician’s eye. “Now go warm up so you don’t snap your Achilles’ tendon. We don’t need any more Greek tragedies on this block.”

Grinning, Josh salutes her and takes his place on the wood floor.

New York remembers him.

~

Aimlessness has always been a weakness of his (thanks to Dr Akopian, now he is at least aware of it), so Josh keeps a running list of everything he wants to check out before he leaves the city, from the trash museum to his favorite boba place.

It stings a little to see how many of the restaurants and cafes he frequented have been closed or replaced over the years. But that doesn’t mean the new places are bad, just different from what he expected—sometimes even better. And it’s not like _everything_ changed while he was away – quite a few of his old hangouts are still around and, same as the dance studio, the regulars still remember him.

He spends time talking with them; people who knew him and liked him but don’t know every detail of his life because they have better things to do and don’t read the _Daily West Covina_. They greet him cheerfully, make sympathetic noises about whatever he chooses to share about the situation with Rebecca, and they move on. Some of them only know vaguely that he was engaged, and then he wasn’t, and are sympathetic without asking too many questions.

Josh has never had a problem making friends, and that was as true in New York as it was in California. But he learned early on that he wasn’t cut out to be a career guy; everyone around him always seemed anxious and ready for the next big thing, and it made him feel dumb, sometimes, that he wasn’t interested, like he was missing out on some big secret.

Now that he knows how to be honest with himself, he can admit that that isolation was a major factor in his decision to leave New York. He didn’t like being surrounded by people who weren’t interested in really knowing him and felt homesick for the ones who did.

It’s weird, that an attitude that once made him feel so unwelcome can be so comforting now.

~

His good luck with the weather doesn’t last, and as much as Josh wants to go see the Statue of Liberty and do the other touristy things he missed out on the first time, every molecule in his body protests the cold so passionately that it would be actively stupid not to obey. Instead, he takes his chances with the Off Broadway and buys a ticket for a matinee showing of an old Elliot Ellison show, the one with Etta Mae’s Lament (though they seem to have shortened the title to simply _Saloon Nights_ ). It isn’t something that he would have ever chosen for himself, but it makes him think of Rebecca in a way that doesn’t sting, and that’s enough.

He was never as invested in theater as Rebecca was, but he’s always liked the energy of a good show, both onstage and off. He might have volunteered to be part of the stage crew as a means of spending time with Rebecca rather than from any innate desire to see the community theater’s vision realized, but he didn’t do it out of _nothing_.

He applauds as enthusiastically as the rest of the audience at curtain, because the cast really did do an amazing job, but he can’t help but think that it might have been more fun to sit through if Rebecca was playing the part instead. She wouldn’t have sung as well, or danced as well, but she would have played it with her full enthusiasm and fervor.

It’s strange, how much easier it is to think about her already.

It would have been nice to visit New York with her properly, not just to see her family but explore the city that they both called home together, even if they hadn’t known it at the time. He doubts he would ever have found the tall skyscrapers of glass and brick and steel as beautiful as the boulevards and Spanish-style houses in West Covina, but maybe she might have given them in a new light. She’s already done that for West Covina, giving him a new perspective and deepening the love he already felt.

~

On Sunday, he goes an apartment building in Tribeca, with a fancy doorman who clearly doesn’t think that Josh and his puffy jacket belongs there, to finally take up a longstanding invitation from the last time he was in New York.

“Chan Man!” David greets him, swinging the door open, dark circles under his eyes but his grin is still friendly; he reminds Josh of his brother-in-law, equal parts exhausted but happy. The triplets must finally be settling down.

“David Levine!” pronounces Josh, grinning broadly. “You look good! How are the baby Levines doing?”

“They’re good. But, actually, Levine is Audra’s maiden name, our family name is—”

“Well, well, if it isn’t Rebecca’s ex-fiancé,” says Audra Levine, scowling, appearing seemingly out of nowhere, shouldering her way in front of David and putting her hand on the doorframe as if to block Josh’s entrance.

“Hi Audra,” says Josh politely.

“You should know that the main reason you are here is because we have barely had adult company outside of our immediate families for over a month, so our standards for visitors have been dramatically lowered.”

Behind her, David sighs and looks apologetically upwards.

Josh isn’t offended.

“I get it, my sister just had her baby last month. Can I come in?” He holds up a shopping bag in offering. “I found these super cute snowsuits for the triplets. They have little ears on them!”

Audra heaves a tremendous sigh, but takes her hand off the doorframe and steps aside to allow him entry.

Plans to go to Mammoth are definitely on hold while the triplets are tiny, but David promises that once they can wear tiny skis of their own, they’ll reach out for his schedule. Audra doesn’t even protest, just gives a vague grunt that sounds something like assent. Her icy smile even gets a little softer when they bring out the triplets and Josh identifies them all correctly on his first try (thanks to Instagram). She thaws completely after he successfully coaxes all three of them to lie down for a nap at the same time.

“Three au pairs, and we haven’t been able to that yet,” says Audra in a whisper-shout once they have retreated to the living room, David collapsing gratefully into the armchair. “Three! How did _you_ do that?”

Josh shrugs modestly. “I’ve been helping out my sister a lot, though she only has one baby, not three. And my friend’s ex-boyfriend had a baby a few months ago, so I’ve been visiting her. I like kids: they’re cute and fun and make weird faces.”

“Wow,” Audra shakes her head. “Like, don’t get me wrong, I love my boys, but babies in general are just…eugh.” She shudders. “Some people should not be allowed to have offspring.”

“Audra,” says David.

“I mean it!”

Rebecca’s comments about David’s genitals aside, he and Audra seem happy together, keeping up a stream of domestic chatter all through dinner, mostly about people that Josh doesn’t know, even if he enjoys listening. Even when they squabble, or when David fumbles and Audra smacks his shoulder, it just seems like a part of their normal rhythm.

It’s a pleasant visit, but as Josh walks back to the subway later that evening, it’s with a pang in his chest; the same pang he feels whenever he has to leave Jayma’s house with its colorful patterns and his tiny niece whose face pinches up happily whenever she sees him.

He wants that. He had said as much to Hector while awaiting Rebecca’s answer, but this is the first time he can _feel_ that desire like a physical ache.

It's been nearly a year since he has been in a relationship, his attempts to find love on the apps and his renewed affection for Rebecca notwithstanding. They are things he’s always wanted, but for the first time in his life, he realizes that he’s ready to start in earnest. The next time he enters a relationship, he wants to do it with the intention of building a life with someone.

He’ll start small, though, like with a pet; maybe he can ask Rebecca if he can take the newest Estrella when he moves out.

~

He has been doing his best to be as discreet as possible while staying with Beth and Valencia so that he does not interfere with their lives, chatting with them in the morning and evenings but otherwise leaving them to event plan across at least twenty-three states.

So he is unprepared to wake up on Monday morning to find that, while Valencia has already left for an early morning client meeting, Beth is still in the apartment, nursing a cup of tea and browsing on her tablet.

“I feel like we haven’t had a chance to chat properly,” she says cheerfully, setting down the tablet and twisting to look at him properly. “If you don’t have anything planned, I thought we could walk around together, get brunch, do that sort of thing.”

“Oh.” Josh scrubs hard at his eyes, still sleep-stupefied. “Uh, yeah, that sounds great.”

Beth beams, delighted.

“Excellent, I’ll call in a personal day.”

As they walk down the blocks towards the restaurant she recommended, Beth seems at ease with the silence between them, but Josh can’t help fidgeting. Beth has become a familiar presence and while he likes what he’s seen of her, they don’t know each other very well, and the idea of her wanting to spend time with him is confusing. But Beth is Valencia’s person – the only person that Valencia has ever chosen to bring into their group, as opposed to befriending a mutual acquaintance. Which means that Beth really has no reason to think well of him. Even worse is that it probably wouldn’t be unjustified.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

When Josh looks down at Beth, her eyes – the only part of her face visible between her purple knit cap and matching scarf—are wide with honest concern and a gentle good humor that instantly quiets his bad thoughts.

“I’m okay,” he says. Then, steeling himself that it might be better to get this out now instead of pretending that everything is all right, he adds, “This is the first time we’ve really hung out together, isn’t it?”

 “I know,” she says cheerfully. “We should have done this way sooner.”

“Right. I mean, I would have asked, but I thought it would be awkward for you, since you’re Valencia’s girlfriend while I’m Valencia’s ex-boyfriend…”

“Valencia doesn’t care,” says Beth, as if it’s obvious. “How is it any different from your friendships with Greg and Nathaniel?”

“It’s not the same,” Josh protests. “Greg and I have history. And I’m not actually friends with Nathaniel.”

“Really? You guys seemed to hit a stride at Paula’s graduation party.”

“That’s true. Maybe we’re friends now? As much as we can be?” Josh groans and shakes his head. “I don’t know, that whole thing was weird—I just don’t want to make this weird, too.”

Beth nods thoughtfully, her eyes serious. “Huh. Well, in the interest of not being weird, the natural follow-up question would be to make sure you aren’t secretly still in love with Valencia. Are you secretly in love with Valencia?”

Josh freezes right in the middle of the street.

“I am _not_ secretly in love with Valencia,” he says immediately, disturbed by the very concept.

Beth laughs and steps closer so that she can loop her arm through his, giving his bicep a warm squeeze, before tugging him back on track. “Cool, glad that’s settled. Now let’s get some eggs.”

~

After brunch, they go to the Met. It isn’t Josh’s favorite place in New York, but it’s fun to explore with Beth as his guide, who knows all of the secret corners and some of the most interesting artifacts and exactly the right time to take breaks to avoid getting too tired out.

“This is my favorite thing,” says Beth happily, as they rest their feet by the Temple of Dendur, watching the other visitors mill about. “I love my hometown, but honestly? I didn’t know how much I wanted this kind of access to art until I came down here.”

“What about LACMA? The lamplights outside are amazing for photoshoots.”

“Oh, I used to go all the time. And I do love LA, don’t get me wrong, but—the traffic, you know. And it’s nice to have stores you like in under a ten-minute walk instead of a ten-minute drive that becomes thirty in traffic.”

Josh concedes that she has a point, and they fall back into an easy silence.

“Do you really not miss New York?” she asks. “You never once thought about coming back?”

Josh shakes his head. “No. I met some pretty cool people here, but everyone is really, really into their careers and where to go next, and that never mattered as much for me. I missed my family, and the beach, and I prefer fake snow to the real thing – feels more authentic, y’know?”

Beth regards him with a crooked smile. “You really are a hometown boy through and through, huh?”

From anyone else it might sound like an insult. But not from Beth.

“Yeah. I didn’t really know it until I came here. But I got lonely a lot, even with friends. My job was just this, ugh, boring rat race. No one was chill and just treated it like, you know, a job. And winter is awful,” he shudders. “I’ll take the Santa Ana winds over that any day of the week, allergies and all.”

“That’s fair,” says Beth, patting his shoulder. “Break’s over. Come on—you need to see their armor collection.”

 ~

The day goes by quickly, hiding from the cold, getting Korean fried chicken for lunch and entertaining the idea of freezing at the top of the Empire State Building before coming to their senses.

“This has been a really nice day,” he tells her, peering out at the expanse of New York from safely within a much less crowded skyscraper.

“I think so. And you definitely helped make it that way,” says Beth, grinning. Then her eyes take on a more serious cast, and she regards him thoughtfully. “How are you doing about Rebecca?”

The question is casual, but she’s been meaning to ask that question all day, he understands, but finally it feels like he has something like an answer.

“Better.” It still hurts, but he gets it. If Rebecca doesn’t feel the same way, she doesn’t feel the same way. It’s easier to remember that from three thousand miles away. “It hurts. I’m ready to be with someone who takes love seriously. Rebecca isn’t just super smart and cute—she takes love seriously. And I was ready for that. I still am.”

“Ready for Rebecca? Or love in general?”

“Both,” he admits. Living with Rebecca has given him a good idea of what a life with her would entail. Sure, there are rough edges, but nothing that he thought couldn’t be weathered with a lot of laughter.

But part of it is that he is ready to share his life with someone. To meet for dates and buy joint furniture and plan a life together. Not just roses and regular photo updates. He wants to _know_ someone.

“I wanted a future with Rebecca, specifically. But working through my feelings for her has also made me realize that I don’t just want a girlfriend again – I’m ready for a commitment, with someone I can have a future with.”

Beth winds her arm through his.

“I wasn’t asking for a justification,” she says gently. “I just want to know that you’re all right. That whole date thing was wild; Valencia was _so mad_ about all of the money she lost.”

“It was,” says Josh with feeling. Then, against his better instincts, he can’t help but ask, “Did you place a bet?”

Beth shakes her head. “The only outcome I wanted was a sucker’s bet.”

“What’s that?”

“That everyone would be happy, and no one would get hurt.” She gives him a tiny, wry smile. “But when it comes to love, that’s pretty much impossible, right?”

“Right,” echoes Josh, looking down at her, suddenly grateful for Beth and her concern, even when they don’t know each other very well. Even when she probably knows how not-great he can be.

Beth tugs at his arm. “Come on, let’s go. Valencia found this chic new place that she wants us to try. Asian fusion, except they aren’t fusing the ingredients but, like, the molecules in the ingredients so it looks like it belongs in the MoMA instead of on a plate. It’ll be fun!”

When they meet up with Valencia, she looks between them and just shakes her head, bewildered. Josh quietly unwinds his arm from Beth’s and steps away so that Valencia can take his place.

He falls a couple of steps behind them, content to look up and watch how the lights of the city flickering on, tracing a path through the thickening darkness.

Valencia murmurs something in Beth’s ear, and Josh smiles at the sight. It’s good to see Valencia at ease, so relaxed in a way that she never was with him.

The pang in his heart that has been omnipresent sharpens a little more, and he rubs at his chest, not soothing, but the motion helps all the same.

~

On Wednesday, Valencia sends him a text to meet her down by NYU for coffee in a way that makes it very clear that it is not a request.

They go to a dark little coffeehouse near The Strand bookstore, where Valencia immediately orders for both of them and he lets her – he’s never been a coffee shop kind of guy, and while the menu here is nothing like Anna’s favorite place, with its endless list of brews, it is no easier to understand. Besides, he’s a little on edge about what Valencia has in mind, standing with purpose in line while he waits at the table she pointed out in the farthest corner of the shop. They haven’t spoken one-on-one in a long time, and for once he has no idea what she would want to say to him.

Fortunately, Valencia is Valencia, and she cuts to the point as soon as she slides in the seat across from him, their order in hand.

“Beth says that you seem to be feeling better about Rebecca.”

Somehow, it sounds like an accusation.

“Uh, yeah?” says Josh, a little unnerved. “Cool. She told you that?”

Valencia gives a short nod. “Yeah. But not any specific details. That’s literally all she said – that you guys talked, and you seem to be feeling better.”

“Okay,” says Josh, both relieved and impressed that Beth was able to remain that vague under Valencia’s questioning. “Well, yeah, I am. It’s been good to have some time to just think about everything.”

“Right, right,” says Valencia, eyes flicking down briefly to the cup she’s holding in both hands before fixing her gaze back on him with an unnerving directness. “Josh, can I be frank with you?”

“Uh, sure?” Valencia has never _not_ been frank with him before, so he’s not entirely certain what to expect.

“This trip is really just your post-heartbreak vacation, right? After trying to win Rebecca over?” It’s barely a question.

“That is one way to put it, I guess,” agrees Josh, still unnerved.

“Why did you do it?”

“Why what—why did I leave? I mean, you’re right – I wanted some time to myself before I move out.”

“Not what I meant,” she says, raising her eyebrows at him expectantly, her gaze still unwavering, increasing Josh’s confusion. When they were together, Valencia was always the one to pick up on any tensions or ulterior motives that Josh might miss, so it’s hard to believe that she doesn’t know why he’s here; instead he’s left floundering, wondering if he’s about to spring a trap he can’t see.

“And…come on, Valencia. What do you want me to say? Heartbreak _hurts_. I needed to get away.”

The words are barely out of Josh’s mouth before he wonders if maybe, that’s the wrong thing to say. It’s painfully true, and he doesn’t know if he would be able to lie to Valencia if she asked him whether he was ever heartbroken over losing her. He had definitely been thrown off-kilter, shocked that it could happen, but his heart aching for her?

He’s ashamed that the answer is no.

But that doesn’t seem to be the question Valencia has in mind, and Josh knows it is not out of delicacy but because it simply does not matter to her. She doesn’t even seem upset by his answer, simply cataloguing it away for another time.

Instead, she squeezes her eyes shut, looking pained, and _that_ expression is familiar. “I guess I’m not making myself clear: why did you want to try with Rebecca again after everything she did to you?”

“What?”

Valencia groans and rubs at her temples before refolding her arms, business-like, as she stares him down. “Okay, look, don’t get me wrong, I was totally against the two of you getting together this time around, not only because you left her at the altar but also because that was literally the second time you upset my wedding plans—”

Josh ducks his head, feeling his ears burn in chagrin.

“—but Rebecca was pretty horrible to you, too. Like, I love my girl and she’s changed my life, but she went _way_ too far sometimes, especially when she was spiraling out there with the whole bush monster look. How could you just let all of that go?”

 When he looks up, Valencia looks a little haughty the way she gets when she’s confused but doesn’t want to show it.

“It’s not that hard. It’s like when you forgave me for kissing Rebecca, right?”

Valencia narrows her eyes at him. “Uh, no, that is _not_ the same thing _at all_ , but please continue.”

“I mean, we agreed to put that in the past,” he says, twiddling his thumbs and consciously placing them flat on the table when he realizes that he’s doing it. “And I got to say my piece, and I still cared about her, and it was obvious that she really meant what she said, and that was that.”

“Josh… _that_ was still a lot.”

He shrugs. “Yeah, I know. But no point in holding a grudge, right?”

Valencia gapes at him, then huffs and leans back in her seat.

“ _Ugh,_ fine,” Valencia snorts, nostrils flaring. “That was always so annoying.”

“Uh, what is? My obliviousness?”

“That is _the most_ frustrating quality you possess, yes,” says Valencia. “Though my sources tell me you seem to be improving on that front. But you had plenty of _other_ frustrating qualities, and the lack of grudge holding is top of _that_ list. It made it _so hard_ to stay mad at you.”

She glares at her coffee. Josh is about to ask what that means, because from his side, she was _always_ mad at him, when she adds, “You and Beth are exactly alike about that. Except it’s one of the qualities I love the most about her.”

“Huh, weird.”

“Of course, she also isn’t afraid to tell me exactly what she wants, which you never did.”

Josh scowls, annoyed by the characterization, even if it is mostly true.

“You never trusted my judgment,” he points out. “I tried, but it just got easier to go along with what you wanted.”

Surprisingly, she nods. “You’re right, when we were together, I didn’t trust your judgment. Maybe I should have thought about that more than about trying to hold us together.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Not that the hindsight will make up for all of the time we wasted. Either of us.”

The comment is said without any rancor, but it makes his stomach feel a little hollow. Valencia has nearly been as constant in his life as Greg and Whijo and Hector, so to think that all of that time might have been spent being unhappy just makes him want to rewind the clock and figure out what he can fix, try to make teenage Josh a little more conscientious, a little more understanding. To help him learn earlier that sometimes he would have to let things hurt before he could heal and get stronger.

“I really held you back, huh?”

“Eh, it wasn’t entirely you. I know,” she adds, when he just blinks at her in disbelief. “Believe me, I’m just as surprised when I realized it. Don’t get me wrong: our relationship was toxic, should have ended before we ever graduated, and definitely didn’t do anything for my self-actualization. But where I am now? Those came from choices I had to find for myself. I mean, look at this.” She gestures around them, at the New Yorkers on their phones and laptops at the main table and chatting quietly with their friends at smaller tables lining the perimeter of the room. “Remember when I didn’t want to go to New York? I thought it would be gross and scary and weird. And it is sometimes, but there is also amazing shopping and important people and something is always happening and _I love it_. Now I can’t imagine ever staying in West Covina.”

“You don’t think you’re coming back?”

She shakes her head. “I wouldn’t plan on it.”

Josh can see that, even if it makes him a little sad – Valencia looks completely in her element here, with her demanding career and chic apartment and supportive girlfriend.

“I get it. You’ve made a good life here. Beth seems to really makes you happy.”

“Yeah.” Valencia smiles down into her coffee. “She does.”

“Are you guys gonna get married?”

“Maybe,” says Valencia coyly, a playful gleam in her eyes. “But I have been officially put in charge of proposing, so I have some planning to do.”

The thought of Valencia proposing, and everything she will do to make it right, makes him smile.

“Well, whenever you plan it, be sure to take good pictures for us.”

Valencia tosses her hair over her shoulder. “Please. You know me.”

“Good,” he says, relaxing and sitting back in his head, looking at Valencia. “Wow, this is…”

“What?” she asks, the corners of her eyebrows tipping down in a familiar, vaguely threatening motion.

“Nothing, it’s just a little weird, that we’re here, in New York, together but not together, because you live here, and I don’t. I would never have guessed that this would be our future.”

“Yeah,” says Valencia after a pause. “It really is weird. But it makes sense now, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah.” When he went to New York, it was with a fairy tale dream of making it, becoming something more than he was before. It had been endless possibilities until he got there and realized the work and realized he was scared. Going home was a one-way path to a one-way life, but at least it was safe. It took Rebecca moving there to open his eyes to the different possibilities for him right in West Covina, that the obvious path wasn’t the only path for him. He has to assume that it was the same for Valencia, as well.

That was Rebecca’s power after all: making the familiar strange and the strange familiar.

“Yeah. Rebecca says she doesn’t believe in destiny, but I gotta say, someone up there is having fun with us.” She pokes a manicured nail up straight at the ceiling with a meaningful lift of her eyes.

Even with his failed stint at the seminary, Josh can’t entirely disagree.

~

“Valencia, can I tell you something?” he asks tentatively.

“I suppose,” she says, with a long-suffering sigh, but shifting in her seat so that she faces him directly again, ready to hear him out.

“The truth is, I think there’s other stuff going on in my life that I’m not totally happy about. It’s not about Rebecca…at least, not as much as I thought it was.”

“I get it,” says Valencia, stirring the spoon in her fresh cup of herbal tea. “You made plans, and now it feels like the rug got pulled out from under you?”

“Yeah. I haven’t dated anyone, really, in over a year.”

Valencia blinks. “Huh.”

“Right? And it was a good thing that I’ve had time to be myself, sure, but I don’t want to be by myself, like, forever.”

One of Valencia’s eyebrows makes a perfect arc, and belatedly, Josh realizes that an ex-girlfriend who he did not commit to for over fifteen years might not be the best person to have this conversation with.

“I’m sorry, we shouldn’t be talking about this—”

“Don’t worry about it,” says Valencia with a disinterested flick of her hand, as if tossing their history onto a neighboring table for someone else to deal with. “I was over with you within a month of our breakup. So, spill – what’s the other problem?”

Josh looks down at his half-full cup of green juice. It’s not bad, but it isn’t as sweet at the ones he can get at home.

“I’m getting restless,” he says. “The flexibility of my gigs is nice, and I do well enough that I can pay for karate and my gym membership and the new weights I needed to try out Whijo’s new glute exercises. But it’s not…it’s not enough anymore. It’s just stuff that fills my day and pays the bills. I want something solid again. I want to feel like I’m contributing to something again.”

Valencia’s other eyebrow twins the first, but she is taking him seriously, sitting totally still and pinning him with her full attention.

“Right,” says Valencia. “Look, when we were together, I know I kept pushing for you to get a good office job, nine to five, it didn’t matter if it was in an industry you liked, because I had more important things to worry about than your personal happiness. But my future is no longer tied up with you right now, so I can offer you some advice that might actually be useful.”

“Uh, yeah,” says Josh, shaking off his surprise and leaning forward. “If you have anything, I’d like to hear it.”

“You’re still doing that camp program, right?” asks Valencia. At Josh’s answering nod she continues, “What about doing something like that, except you actually get paid?”

“I mean, I also volunteer with the kids at the church basketball league too—”

One of Valencia’s eyebrows twitches slightly, before her face resets into its usual determination. “Good, you’re at least picking up on the pattern. Josh, you’re really good with kids. That was the only aspect of our future that I wasn’t afraid of you screwing up.”

“Thanks?”

“Yes, you should be thanking me, because you absolutely should be working with kids. Have a position where for once, you are the adult in the room. You can still be a fun adult or whatever – but I think you need something where you make decisions and have a say in what happens. Turn one of those volunteer positions into an actual job and get a paycheck. Do it once a week instead of once a year. Or two times, or three times! Do it for your kids, do it for other people’s kids – I don’t know, think big and do it for West Covina.”

“West Covina?”

Valencia nods. “It’s the longest relationship you have ever had and for whatever reason, you like all the lame people there, so maybe doing something to improve them and their dumb kids’ lives would be good for you. Just commit to it!”

Josh doesn’t respond right away, a little stunned – he’s too used to Valencia’s vitriol to really be bothered by her barbs, but her talking about his good qualities is something that is going to take a minute to process.

“Kids aren’t bad,” he manages. “They act tough, but if you give them a little time, they warm up to you.”

Valencia snorts. “Yeah, not in my experience. But that is a skill you have, and after throwing parties for more than a couple of petulant teenagers, let’s just say I am a little more impressed with how you handle them. Slightly.”

“Thank you,” says Josh, smiling. “Huh. Doing something for West Covina.”

He’s never considered West Covina in that light before. But it has always been _his_ town – he knows all the best places, knows all of the people and their families and how they all relate to each other. Well, almost everyone – he did forget about George for a while, but they’ve been texting since the reunion, so now he counts too. And it’s always been easy for people to like him, if only because he was already so inclined to like them.

It has given a lot to him. Finding a way to give back seems right in a way that so many things haven’t.

Valencia shrugs. “Yeah. It should be easy enough – everyone already loves you, I’m sure you can find something.”

“Really? Everyone loves me?”

Valencia levels a hard stare at him. “You know what I mean. Everyone always gives you such an easy time there because they all love you. You were the golden boy. Remember? That’s why we were together?”

“Right,” says Josh, not really meaning it; he remembers admiring Valencia’s outspokenness when they were little and finding her pretty; then agreeing happily when she declared in sixth grade that they should be together. And then, the longer they were together, the less sense it made to break apart.

He wishes things had been different between them, but he’s still glad that she was part of his life, and that, despite everything, they can still move in the same circles and, occasionally, at times like these, reconnect.

“That’s really good advice. Thanks, Vee, I owe you big time.”

“I mean, we’ve already established that,” says Valencia in her usual haughty manner, but this time with the merest hint of a smile.

~

“So…I know I probably shouldn’t bring it up, but why did you bet on Greg?”

Valencia groans loudly. “Oh, god, don’t remind me, I was so stupid. And then he just went and bailed like that.”

“I mean, it’s Greg.”

“True, but that was supposed to be an Old Greg thing that didn’t carry over to New Greg.” Valencia traces the rim of her second cup thoughtfully. “But if you really want to know, I picked him because he was the least dramatic relationship Rebecca’s had recently. That’s all. At the end of the day, I am Team Rebecca over anything else. If she didn’t want to be with any of you guys, that’s her business.”

“That makes sense,” says Josh reluctantly. He would never have expected Valencia to bet on him – not even in alternate sci-fi universes – but it doesn’t exactly make him feel great.

She must pick up on his disappointment, because she exhales through her nose and looks upwards as if to ask for strength.

“Also, Paula threw her lot in with you,” she adds.  “And Heather swapped to Nathaniel’s side first. And the next time I’m in West Covina, you better believe that I’m going to make Greg an offer he can’t refuse if he wants to keep that pretty new hair.”

He laughs. “Hey, _The Godfather_. Nice reference.”

“Thank you,” she says, beaming.

~

That night, before he is due to head home, Josh cooks for Beth and Valencia.

He doesn’t try to make it a surprise – Valencia is not a fan of surprises, and so that he can ask what store he can get the ingredients he needs from. Maybe it’s long practice of knowing Valencia’s tastes, but his take on enchiladas is very well-received. They used to make them together – or he would do it under Valencia’s instructions, and she wouldn’t eat any of it but watch him expectantly until he did it right, because if he was going to be part of her family, he needed to know how to do this.

“I think this is the first time I’ve seen you eat my food,” he observes.

“Eh, I only had fruit earlier today, so this will come right under my carb limit,” says Valencia dismissively. “You’re actually a pretty decent cook.”

“Are you kidding?” says Beth, her mouth full. “This is _great._ ”

“I’ve been practicing,” says Josh modestly.

He cleans up afterwards, too, over both their protests, insisting that it is also part of his gratitude for letting him stay there. As he’s putting the last of the dishes away, he’s startled to turn around to find Valencia very close behind him, leaning against the fridge, watching him with the strangest look on her face.

“Uh, Valencia? Everything ok?”

“Yeah,” says Valencia, and for once without the slightest irritation in her tone. “Thanks for dinner again.”

Josh spreads his hands wide and dips his head in lieu of a bow. “Any time.”

She smiles at him, small but warm. “So, do you know what you’re going to do next?”

Josh thinks about dancing, and how to encourage kids in their passions so they only turn out like Greg if they really want to be, not because they feel stuck. To not get stuck in their lives the way he did, or Valencia did, or Rebecca or all the rest of them did. The dojo can always use new volunteers, and he emailed his old dance teacher to find out what the requirements are for being an assistant. The camp program director sent him the contact information for a learning center that could use another person. He has church on Sundays and lunch with his parents after. There’s babysitting for Jayma, and surprise visits to Jastenity at Northridge on the weekends. There’s the magic club and mentoring the students there in card tricks. All of West Covina is full of possibilities for him. It loves him and he loves it right back.

“I’ll go home,” he says.

~

Before he leaves, however, there is one last thing he wants to do.

He goes to the financial district, where the sidewalks are narrow, and the skyscrapers lock you firmly in. Down two blocks, over four, past the big butter billboard that is somehow still up even two years later.

Just a few steps more and…there.

This is where he had been passing through when he had seen Rebecca Bunch again, beautiful and successful and everything she always seemed that she could be. She had seemed a little tired, but her smile had been just the same as when they were sixteen, and the tiny, fleeting sense of regret he’d had at how his younger self had ended things had been very real. He knows now that that particular version of Rebecca hadn’t been happy, in a way that he still can barely fathom, though he’s tried. Sometimes the most you can do is listen. He couldn’t do that back then.

He tries to summon up the image of Rebecca as he saw her here, but it’s too hard –it’s not the Rebecca he’s known, and hasn’t been, for a very long time. Same with the teenage Rebecca, though at least the joy from that younger version seems to finally be making its way through the current version.

Call it destiny, or coincidence, but his life has been irrevocably changed by her, and the kid from West Covina and the girl from New York have their own paths to forge.

He shivers, the cold sinking through the layers of wool, and retreats for warmth, leaving the mirage of Rebecca to vanish into the cold air.

~

“Welcome back, Josh,” says Dr. Akopian at their next session. “How was your trip?”

Josh pauses in the doorway, looking around the room; it feels new again, somehow.

“Good, actually,” he says slowly, not because he’s not sure what to say but because he is brimming with things to say. “It wasn’t what I expected, but that’s okay. I had time to think, and I have some ideas about what I want to do next.”

Dr. Akopian smiles at him over his glasses. “That’s good to hear. Let’s get started.”

“Can’t wait,” says Josh, grinning, and steps inside.

~

 END

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


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